In short
PairCalm's relationship nudges go to different people. A check-in goes to the partner who is carrying clearly more, a help request goes to the other partner, a gentle nudge goes to a partner who has gone quiet, and Gentle Mode tells your partner to take it easy. They are worded as invitations rather than verdicts, and some mention numbers such as your share of the logged work.
The check-in for the partner carrying more
When one of you has logged clearly more than your share, the app can send that partner a check-in in the late afternoon. It says you're carrying a lot this week, tells you roughly how much of the logged work you're doing, and offers to ask your partner, by name, to take over one of your pacts that evening. It reads like this, with your own figures, your partner's name and one of your pacts filled in:
The check-in only goes out when the gap is pronounced, and not if a help request is already open. It's an offer, and you choose whether to ask.
Help requests for the other partner
If the gap grows after a task is logged, the app can also create a help request by itself. The busier partner doesn't have to do anything. The other partner is told that their partner could use help and is shown a specific task they could take on, for example: "Sam could use your help. They'd love it if you took on the laundry." They can accept or decline, and the request expires on its own if nobody answers.
A gentle nudge when a partner has gone quiet
If one partner hasn't logged anything for a while, they get a gentle message saying that their partner has been logging for you both, how much they've added this week, and inviting them to log theirs. This one goes to the partner who has logged less, so it's worded as an invitation. It's limited so it can't pile up, and it won't arrive every day.
Gentle Mode
Some days you just have less to give. Gentle Mode is one tap that tells your partner to take it easy today. They get a message saying Gentle Mode is on and asking you both to be kind to each other, and the app itself turns softer for both of you.
Reminders and prompts
Alongside these, PairCalm sends ordinary reminders at set times of day: a streak reminder in the evening, when your streak is still going and you haven't logged yet that day; the daily question; a gratitude nudge in the evening; a reminder about your weekly summary; reminders for your pacts when they're due; and a nudge to the person who invited their partner if they haven't joined yet. You'll also hear when your partner logs a task on your behalf, proposes a micro-reconnect, or sends flowers or a surprise card. Read more about the short daily habit.
Common questions
Who gets which nudge?
It depends on the nudge. The late-afternoon check-in goes to the partner who is carrying more, help requests go to the other partner, the quiet-partner nudge goes to the partner who has logged little, and Gentle Mode, flowers and surprise cards go to your partner when you send them.
Can my partner say no to a help request?
Yes. They can accept or decline it, and it expires on its own if nobody answers.
Do PairCalm's nudges mention numbers?
Some do. The check-in for the partner carrying more mentions roughly how much of the logged work they are doing, and the quiet-partner nudge mentions how much their partner has logged this week. They are worded as invitations rather than verdicts.
What does Gentle Mode send my partner?
A message saying Gentle Mode is on and asking you both to take it easy and be kind to each other today. The app also turns softer for both of you.